|
Post by coop on Oct 24, 2005 19:14:42 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]There was this guy who decided to get into the chicken business, so he bought 5,000 hens. Well after a couple of weeks his chickens still hadn't layed him any eggs. So he went to his neighbors and asked his advice. He told him that he needed to get him a rooster. He told the man about this place that had this rooster named Buster who would screw anything he had. So the man went and bought the rooster.
He took the rooster home and as soon he put him down Buster said, "Co*k-a-doodle-doo!" and the hens just lined up. Buster went down the line screwing each hen in a row. The man was happy so he went inside to eat dinner.
While he was eating he heard the most awful yelling and screeching he had ever heard. So he went outside to see what was going on. When he got out there, he looked around and seen that all the hens were laying on there backs with their feet in the air, the cow backed up to the barn, the dog three pastures down, jumping fences, and Buster chasing the cat. The man laughed and hollered out, "Buster if you don't slow down, your going to kill yourself!"
The man then went back inside. A little later he noticed that all the noise had stopped so he went back outside to see what was going on. He looked around and seen that all the hens were dead, the cow was dead, the dog was gone, the cat was dead, and there were buzzards flying around overhead. The man kept looking and sure enough found Buster lying on his back with his feet in the air. He looked down at him and said, "Buster I told you if you didn't slow down you were going to kill yourself!"
Buster slowly opened his eyes and said, "!Would you shut up! They are about to land!!!"[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 24, 2005 19:22:08 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 26, 2005 16:54:34 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself..."Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket" [/glow]
|
|
April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
|
Post by April on Oct 26, 2005 20:35:08 GMT -5
There was a bear and a rabbit. Now Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much and one day, whilst they were walking through the woods they came across a golden frog. The frog turned to them and said: "Ooh, I don't often meet anyone in these parts." They were amazed that the frog had talked to them. The golden frog admitted: "Mind you, when I do meet someone I always give them six wishes. You can have three wishes each in this case. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himselfShaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said: "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could! very cute rotflmao
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 27, 2005 19:47:48 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." [/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 14:15:08 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. 'I've kidnapped you!', said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, 'I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bag was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, 'How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 14:17:01 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila.”
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said “Never mind. I found one.” [/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 14:20:33 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”
The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone. The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone. The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says. “Sara Pipalini;” replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 14:22:05 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]People love it when kids say hilarious things, so here’s a few more…
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget…. this particular Sunday sermon… “Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 14:59:49 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A new points system for your office Are you brave enough?
ONE-POINT DARES
1.Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you. 2.To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. 3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way”. 4. Walk sideways to the photocopier. 5. While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open. 6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn’t you. 7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy…” 8. Don’t use any punctuation. 9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh. 10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
THREE-POINT DARES 1. Say to your boss, “I like your style”, wink, and shoot him with double-barreled fingers. 2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle. 3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting. 4. Every time you get an email, shout ‘’email'’. 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, “dagnamit, it’s happened again!”. Then do it again. 7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as “the office bicycle”. Then wink and pout. 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can’t seem to access any pornography web sites.
FIVE-POINT DARES 1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). 2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times. 3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Dave”. 4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do a number two”. 4 . After every sentence, say ‘Mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: “The report’s on your desk, Mon.” Keep this up for one hour. 5 . In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, d**n it, all of you just shut up!” 6 . At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, “As God is my witness,I’ll never go hungry again!” 7 . Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.” 8. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist. 9 . During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door. 10. As often as possible, skip rather than walk. 11. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer. 12. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, “I’ll see you tonight”. [/glow]
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 28, 2005 15:01:23 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Someone should actually do some of that ^stuff^ just to see the weird looks they would get lol[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by racefan43 on Oct 28, 2005 23:25:59 GMT -5
what
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 29, 2005 8:56:05 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One day there were 3 kids outside playing when hey heard someone yelling that they needed help. So they started looking for the person in need of help. After searching for a while they find a guy strapped in a hole. They tell him to hold on while they throw a rope down. A little while later they finally pull him out of the hole.
Once he's out he tells them that his name is Jeff Gordon and he's really rich and will give each of the kids one thing that they really want.
The 1st boy says, "I want a race car!" Gordon says, "Ok, a race car it is. What about you?"
The 2nd boy says, "I want a jet!" Gordon says, "Ok, a jet it is. What about you?"
The last boy says, "I want a second life!" Gordon asks, "Why!?!"
The boy says, "Cuz once my dad finds out who's life I saved, he's going to kill me!"[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by racefan43 on Oct 29, 2005 9:30:21 GMT -5
ok and do the boys get it or what
|
|