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Post by coop on Nov 11, 2005 21:00:02 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he’s being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
“Wow!” comments the midget, “Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away. “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, “says the little fellow, “but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them.”
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says…
“Okay, hand over your wallet or I’ll jump!”[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 12, 2005 9:56:01 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?" [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 12, 2005 10:04:30 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: Hello
WOMAN: Honey, its me! . Are you at the club?
MAN: Yes
WOMAN: Im at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?
MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.
MAN: How much?
WOMAN: $65,000
MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.
WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thingthe house we wanted last year is back on the market. Theyre asking $950,000.
MAN: Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.
WOMAN: OK. Ill see you later! I love you!
MAN: Bye, I love you, too. The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: Anyone know whose phone this is? [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 18, 2005 8:34:27 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But, as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic!
When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 18, 2005 8:39:47 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange :
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.
Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Whose car is this?
Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 21, 2005 12:10:58 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter. It contained a single line of coded message: 370HSSV 0773H
Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain’s MI-6 for help. Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: “Tell the President he’s holding the message upside down!”[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 21, 2005 12:13:02 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]The robot serves him a perfectly prepared thingytail, and then asks him, Whats your IQ?
The man replies 150 and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituallity, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.
The customer is very impressed and thinks, This is really cool. He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectlty prepared drink and asks him, Whats your IQ?
The man responds, about a 100.
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and womens breasts.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, Whats your IQ?
The man replies, Er, 50, I think.
And the robot says real slowly,
So ya gonna vote for Bush again?[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 22, 2005 22:25:59 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.
The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?" "No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?" "No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.
The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 26, 2005 18:05:46 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One day in court, the prosecuting lawyer asked the farmer on the witness stand, "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the policeman you had never felt better in your life?"
"That's right." The farmer replied.
"Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
The farmer explained. "When the policeman arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought, under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 26, 2005 18:08:21 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 26, 2005 18:11:00 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Whispering firmly, the priest says,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil.”
The dying man says nothing.
The priest repeats his order again.
Still, the dying man says nothing.
The priest asks,
“Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man replies, “Until I know exactly where I’m headed, I don’t think it’s such a good idea to aggravate anybody just yet.” [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 27, 2005 12:26:32 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Gary Glitter is sitting in his living room surfing the internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.
“You not a very nice person!” she screams and heads into the bedroom.
Stunned, Gary flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom wondering, “Now what have I done?”
Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what’s up. She responds with a hiss, “My therapist says that I should leave you and that you’re a paedophile!”
Gary responds, “Wow, you’re quite smart for an 8 year old.”[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 28, 2005 17:37:19 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?"
The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies."
The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse."
The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?"
"Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though." [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 30, 2005 18:19:38 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for some conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major replied, “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards, medals and decorations and said, “It looks like you’ve seen quite a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know you should just lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself…”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally, deciding to take a different tack, the young lady said, “You know,I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and curtly replied, “1955, ma’am.”
She gasped, “Well, there you are! You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, Do you think so? It’s only 2130 now…” [/glow]
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Post by coop on Dec 6, 2005 9:16:20 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
“Yes, Nurse Tracy, ” said Mr. Goldstein, “My private part died today and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh! , I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.
“Mr. Goldstein, ” she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private part back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Tracy, ” replied Mr. Goldstein, “I told you yesterday that my private part died.”
“Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?” asked Nurse Tracy.
“Well, ” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.”[/glow]
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