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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:02:07 GMT -5
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around, and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."
He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."
The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster.
"And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "d**n, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:03:06 GMT -5
There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:04:50 GMT -5
Little Johnny was only 12-years-old. He had been hearing a lot about courting from the older boys, so he asked his mother what and how it was done.
She told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This Johnny did, and this is what Johnny told his mother later.
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then they turned off the lights, all but the blue one. Then the boyfriend began kissing her and putting his hand under her blouse.
"Pretty soon they began to pant and get out of breath, and then he took his hand from inside her blouse and put it under her dress. When he did this, Sis began to moan, sigh, squirm, and scoot down toward the edge of the couch, until soon she was lying down. Then he unzipped his pants and pulled out a big eel about 10" long. It was standing up and he had it in his hand to keep it from getting away. Sis started to help him and they both wrestled it. Finally, Sis held it while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting. Sis had both hands on it, and she spread both her legs to she could get a better hold on it.
He helped her by laying on the eel. Soon they got the eel between them, and Sis wrapped her arms and legs around her boyfriend and they started to wrestle that darned eel between them, and that eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis squealed and her boyfriend almost upset the couch, and for a minute I thought the darned thing was going to get away from them, but Sis grabbed it just as it was going to get away from them and stuck it back between her legs. Pretty soon they gave a big long sigh and grunted and stopped moving.
"Her boyfriend got up and they sure had killed that eel because he hung, limber as a hot water bottle, with some of its insides hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started loving and kissing again, and by gosh, that eel came out and wanted to fight again. Sis gave a squeal and grabbed it in record time, and the way they both wrestled and battled with it-it was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time they had a longer struggle, but Sis and her boyfriend finally won!
They really killed him this time because her boyfriend pulled its skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:06:45 GMT -5
A Black man and his wife are going to a Halloween party in a couple of days, so the husband asks his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.
When he comes home that night, he goes into the bedroom and finds, laid out on the bed, a Superman costume.
The husband calls to his wife, "What are you doing, honey?" he says. "Have you ever heard of a Black Superman? Can you take this back and get me something else to wear?"
The next day, the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work and goes into the bedroom. There, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume.
He yells to his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a Black Batman? Take this nuts back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"
The next morning, his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, he fins there, laid out on the bed, three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2X4 piece of wood.
The husband yells again to his wife, "What the hell are these for?"
The wife yells right back, "Take your clothes off. You can put these three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as a an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2X4 up your ass and go as a fudge sickle."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:07:39 GMT -5
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:08:44 GMT -5
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband, You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, don't wait up.
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:10:26 GMT -5
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:11:11 GMT -5
An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.
With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
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Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 20, 2005 21:17:59 GMT -5
I GUESS THATS ENOUGH FOR TONIGHT!! GIVE EVERYONE A FEW LAUGHS ANYWAY!
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Post by coop on Oct 21, 2005 10:43:23 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth one is granted a wish.
However, if one tells a lie ---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." *Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her too.
Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...". *Poof*[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 21, 2005 11:40:05 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Cowboy to the Rescue!!!
Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.
Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.
"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No"
"Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.
The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.
The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 22, 2005 15:31:40 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?" "Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 22, 2005 19:30:35 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]There was this truck driver who was driving down this country road on his way to deliver his load. All the sudden he sees these two young people having sex right in the middle of the road. The driver blows on his horn trying to get them to move! He finally slams on his brakes to stop the truck.
He gets out right about the time the couple finish. He stands over the young man and yells,"Didn't you hear me coming!?!"
The young man looks up at him and answers, "Yea I knew you were coming, and I knew she was coming, and I knew I was coming....Hell you were the only one of us that could stop!"[/glow]
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