|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:37:21 GMT -5
A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"
Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."
The salesman asked if his mother was home.
Johnny said, "Yes."
The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"
Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."
The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."
The salesman asked, "Why?"
"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:38:24 GMT -5
One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heartbroken. After 8 months, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later, he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:39:46 GMT -5
On a farm in the country lived a man and a woman with their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state, she hung herself.
When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation and shot himself in the head.
Now, the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next, the second-oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And although the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"
And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not thirty times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:40:37 GMT -5
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her and began to feel humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat, and he seemed more amused.
She moved again, and then on her fourth move, he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:
When the lady boarded the bus, I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement that read, "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins." Then she moved under a sign that read, "Sloan's Liniments remove swelling."
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement that read, "William's Stick Did the Trick."
Then I could not control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement that read, "Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident."
The case was dismissed.
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:42:17 GMT -5
The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary.
After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile then, with a nod of his head, answers, "No problem! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "OK. I cut. I cut."
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:43:31 GMT -5
Once there was a couple that didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work; but the guy was happy with his job, and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.
One day, the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest." The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to the pet store determined to win the contest.
"Hi, can I help you?" the sales person said.
"Yes, we're looking for an exotic pet," the husband said.
"Oh, I have just the thing," said the sales person. "Follow me."
They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.
"Why is he so exotic?" asked the husband.
"You see," said the sales person, "this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs."
"Yes, yes, I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the perch?"
"Well, sir, he hangs by his thingy," commented the salesperson.
"Wow, this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought. So he bought the bird.
The couple ended up winning the contest. A few weeks later, the husband came home, and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife.
"Milkman came to the door... Wife took off milkman's clothes... Milkman took off wife's clothes..." the parrot said, but then it stopped.
"What?" the husband asked, and the bird said it again.
The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot.
He reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted, "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"
"I don't know," the parrot said. "I got hard and fell off the branch."
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:44:32 GMT -5
There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third veteran comes into the bar with the biggest nuts-eating grin on his face. The other two cops ask him, "Why are you so happy?"
He tells them, "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I hid my pistol cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time."
The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a nuts-eating grin on his face and tells the other veteran, "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great."
The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, pissed as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says, "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! The bitch almost bit off my thingy and she nuts in my face!"
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:46:24 GMT -5
When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."
For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."
Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:47:30 GMT -5
A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.
Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:48:28 GMT -5
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.
When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?" "What? You're crazy!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem." "No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor..." "At this time of the night? No one will show up..." "I've already said No, and NO!" "Honey, it's just a small blowie...I know you'd like it, too..." "No! I've said NO!" "My love... Don't be like that..." At this moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:49:09 GMT -5
Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"
|
|
|
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Oct 23, 2005 1:50:10 GMT -5
John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, though, and was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John wrote a note, called to his little boy, and asked him to bring the note to his wife. It read:
The tent pole is up, The canvas is spread, The hell with breakfast, Come back to bed.
Heather answered the note with one of her own and asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:
Take the tent pole down, Put the canvas away, The monkey had a hemorrhage, No circus today.
John read the note and scribbled a reply. He asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:
The tent pole's still up, And the canvas still spread, So drop what you're doing, And come give me some head.
Heather answered the note and asked her son to deliver it to her husband. The note read:
I'm sure that your pole's The best in the land. But I'm busy right now, So do it by hand!
|
|
|
Post by coop on Oct 23, 2005 10:13:02 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying.
"Honey, what's wrong?"
She said between sniffles, "I... I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."[/glow]
|
|
|
Post by racefan43 on Oct 23, 2005 10:22:55 GMT -5
it was sad for her was it or what see ya soon ok
|
|
|
Post by racefan43 on Oct 23, 2005 10:24:14 GMT -5
amber do i tell u i have pink eyes on thurday to now and i do not babysitting on friday for my pink eyes
|
|