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lol
Dec 21, 2005 12:26:26 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 21, 2005 12:26:26 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I'd like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that's so cold it's impossible to spread. Finally, I'll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."
The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!"
"Why not?" the guest replied. "That's what I got here yesterday!"[/glow]
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Dec 22, 2005 14:14:31 GMT -5
Post by batman38 on Dec 22, 2005 14:14:31 GMT -5
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by their walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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lol
Dec 22, 2005 21:03:01 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 22, 2005 21:03:01 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]This little old lady is walking down the road with two trash bags. One of them has a tiny hole in it and every so often a 20 dollar bill would fly out.
A police man sees this and stops the old women. He tells her what he saw and she said, "Oh thank you! I better go back and see if I can still catch some of them!"
The police officer is like, "Wait just a minute. Where did you get all that money?"
The lady says, "I live right behind a football field and people are always sticking their thingys in my bushes to pee in them, so I started telling them: Give me a 20 or I will cut it off!"
The police officer says that is a very good idea. Then he asks, "Well what is in the other bag then?"
The lady says, "Well sometimes they dont pay up!"[/glow]
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lol
Dec 23, 2005 18:13:00 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 23, 2005 18:13:00 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Two guys were roaring down the road on a motorcycle when the driver slowed up and pulled over. His leather jacket had a broken zipper, and he told his friend, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in the chest like that."
"Just put the jacket on backwards." His friend advised. They continued down the road but around the next bend, they lost control and wiped out.
A nearby farmer came upon the accident and ran to call the police. They asked him, "Are they showing any signs of life?"
"Well," the farmer explained, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"[/glow]
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Dec 25, 2005 21:59:26 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 25, 2005 21:59:26 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]There was a little old lady standing at a corner. She had both hands holding her hat on while the wind blew her dress up around her waist.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, being indecent, while both hands hold your hat."
She said, "Look mister, everything down there is seventy years old; this hat is brand new!"[/glow]
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lol
Dec 30, 2005 21:18:29 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 30, 2005 21:18:29 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Walking through a supermarket, a young man noticed an old lady following him around. He ignored her for a while, but when he got to the checkout line, she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said. "I'm sorry if I've been staring, but you look just like me son who died recently.
"I'm sorry for your loss," the young man replied. "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Well, as I'm leaving, could you just say 'Goodbye, mother!?' It would make me feel so much better." She gave him a sweet smile.
"Of course I can," the young man promised.
As she gathered her bags and left, he called out "Goodbye, mother!" just as she had requested, feeling good about her smile.
Stepping up to the counter, he saw that his total was about $100 higher than it should be. "That amount is wrong," he said. "I only have a few items!"
"Oh, your mother said that you would pay for her," explained the clerk.[/glow]
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lol
Jan 4, 2006 16:35:24 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 4, 2006 16:35:24 GMT -5
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullnuts and Ass kissing that will get you to the top!
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lol
Jan 4, 2006 16:35:50 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 4, 2006 16:35:50 GMT -5
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ‘There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ‘Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.
‘Second,’ the professor continued, ‘you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man’s anus, but licked my index finger?’
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Jan 4, 2006 16:36:44 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 4, 2006 16:36:44 GMT -5
The problem was with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?” “Yes”, whispered the small voice. “May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.” Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?” “Yes”, came the answer. “May I talk with her?” Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.” Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?” “No, he’s busy,” whispered the child. “Busy doing what?” asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?” “A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice. “What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.” Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?” Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “Me!”
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lol
Jan 4, 2006 16:39:34 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 4, 2006 16:39:34 GMT -5
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
"Get well quick..... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
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lol
Jan 4, 2006 16:40:13 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 4, 2006 16:40:13 GMT -5
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.
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lol
Jan 9, 2006 20:42:11 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 9, 2006 20:42:11 GMT -5
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A couple of months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get “those feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear…
“Would you mind taking the dog for a walk”
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Jan 9, 2006 20:43:46 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 9, 2006 20:43:46 GMT -5
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy named “Clint”, and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to Clint, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”
Clint says, “I want to see my horse.” The Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blond. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with Clint.
The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man - can only think of one thing.” The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?” Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse. Clint leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse’s ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the Clint. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”
The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?” Clint says, “I want to see my horse again.” The Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, d**n it! P-O-S-S-E!”
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Jan 9, 2006 20:45:44 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 9, 2006 20:45:44 GMT -5
If he answered the next question correctly, he would win $1,000,000. And, as he suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was:
“Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it: A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?”
He was on the spot. He did not know the answer. All that remained was his Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and he hoped against hope that he would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that he knew would be home happened to be his girlfriend, a blonde. But he had no alternative — he called her and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy! The answer is C: The cuckoo.”
Marty had to make a decision and make it fast. He considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that his friend had given. And, considering that his friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, that he could not help but be persuaded.
“I need an answer,” said Regis.
Crossing his fingers and drawing in his breath, Marty said, “C: The cuckoo.”
“Is that your final answer?” asked Regis.
“Yes, that is my final answer.”
Two minutes later, Regis said, “That answer is absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”
Three days later, Marty hosted a party for his family and friends including the blonde who had helped him win the million dollars. He said, “Jenny, I just don’t know how to thank you. Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that persuaded me to go with your choice. By the way … how did you happen to know the right answer?”
“Oh, come on!” said the blonde, “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests … they live in clocks.”
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lol
Jan 9, 2006 20:49:26 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 9, 2006 20:49:26 GMT -5
NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.
As the moment came closer NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!"
At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle's engines ignited and the shuttle took off.
Two hours later NASA's mission control center announced, "This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!"
At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.
Another two hours later mission control announced, "This is mission control to the astronaut..."
At this the astronaut responded "I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don't touch anything."
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