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Post by coop on Sept 24, 2005 16:33:58 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]New Priest In Town
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had 'fallen.'
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they've fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I don't know what you're laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!" [/glow]
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Post by coop on Sept 24, 2005 16:35:11 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Hair Spray: Can You Dig It?
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." [/glow]
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Post by coop on Sept 24, 2005 16:42:23 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for...a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map!"[/glow]
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Post by coop on Sept 28, 2005 10:54:36 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A young man who left his home in Texas at an early age, finally purchased his own ranch in Oklahoma. He invited his father out for a visit, and took him on a tour of the property.
Driving along in the son's pickup truck, a jack rabbit hopped onto the road in front of them. The son stopped the truck to let the rabbit pass, and the father queried, "What in tarnation is that!?"
The son incredulously replied, "That's a jackrabbit, Dad, what did you think it was?" The father shrugged and said, "We grow 'em a lot bigger'n back home in Texas."
So they went on and a little farther on they came to a few buffalo roaming the range. The son stopped the truck and the father again said in a puzzled tone "What are those?"
The son hesitantly said, "Those are buffalo, Dad. You gotta be kiddin me. You really don't recognize them?" The father replied, "Well, I guess they're kinda familiar - it's just that we grow 'em so much bigger back in Texas."
The son, a bit disgruntled, drove on in silence. At length they approached a low part in the road with marshy wetlands on either side. A large snapping turtle lumbered onto the road. The father peered intently at the creature and said "Now what on earth is that thing!?"
Without missing a beat, the son replied, "wood tick"...[/glow]
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April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
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Post by April on Sept 29, 2005 22:49:07 GMT -5
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that > her body hurts wherever she touches it. > > "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." > > The redheaded beauty takes her finger, pushes on her left shoulder > and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. > She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle > and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. > > The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" > > "Well, no," she says, "I'm actually a blonde." > > "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken." >
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Post by coop on Oct 4, 2005 19:49:27 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]This good looking redhead walks into the doctors office and tells the doctor that everytime she touches anywhere on her body it hurts.
So the doctor, who is kind of confused, asks her to show him what she means.
So she takes her finger and touches her shoulder and yells, "Ouch!" Then she touches her stomach and yells, "Ouch!" She then touches her foot and yells, Ouch!"
She continues this all over her body, yelling ouch everytime.
The doctor finally understands and asks her, "Are you truly a blond?"
She says, Yes, Why are you asking?"
He says, "Because your finger is broke."[/glow]
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Post by racefan43 on Oct 4, 2005 20:34:51 GMT -5
good one coop or amber
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Post by batman38 on Oct 5, 2005 20:40:54 GMT -5
WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE > > Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, > "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and > played > golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. > > THE END
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 14:56:38 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter. "Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak. Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks! What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:19:37 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Some random jokes… Sometimes the old ones are the best ones, sometimes they are not…
1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name.?”
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine”
3 . “Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,” “That’s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
6. Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records.
7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a minute…” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
8. This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he’s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?” The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
9. Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.” Joe: “Really?” Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in hell.”
10. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m O K. but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS ![/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:21:42 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:31:05 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:32:24 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front.
After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets, and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing.
"Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, 'HORSE for sale.'"[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:33:52 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures he will easily win the match since his opponent is a blonde, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this. If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers - all to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 6, 2005 21:35:30 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Each evening a bird lover, Tom, stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl. One night an owl called back to him.
For a year, Tom and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied, "so does mine."[/glow]
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