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lol
Jan 14, 2006 17:14:54 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 14, 2006 17:14:54 GMT -5
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor. One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
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lol
Jan 17, 2006 20:37:29 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 17, 2006 20:37:29 GMT -5
A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t f*ckin’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ‘em.”
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lol
Jan 17, 2006 20:38:12 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 17, 2006 20:38:12 GMT -5
An elderly woman was arrested for shop lifting.January 16th, 2006
When she appeared before the Judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches Your Honor.” The Judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The Judge then asked her, “How many peaches were in the can?”
She replied, “Six.”
The Judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The Judge said, “What is it?
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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lol
Jan 17, 2006 20:38:44 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 17, 2006 20:38:44 GMT -5
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead…
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lol
Jan 21, 2006 14:41:14 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 21, 2006 14:41:14 GMT -5
> SCROLL DOWN................. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > This is creepy! > > >Think of a letter between >A and W. > >. >. >. >. >. >. >Repeat it >out loud as >you scroll down. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Keep going . . >Don't stop . . >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Think of an >animal >that begins >with that letter. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Repeat it >out loud >as you >scroll down. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Think of >either a man's/woman's >name >that >begins >with the >last letter >in the >animals name >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Almost >there........ >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Now >count out >the letters >in that name >on the fingers >of the hand >you are not >using to >scroll down. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Take the > hand you >counted with >and hold it out >in front of you >at face level >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >Look at your >palm >very closely >and >notice >the >lines >in >your >hand >. >. >. >. >Do the lines >take the >form of the >first letter >in the >persons name? >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. >. Of course not....... >. >. >. >.Now smack >yourself in the head, get a life, >and >quit playing >stupid >e-mail games!
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lol
Jan 26, 2006 11:32:05 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 26, 2006 11:32:05 GMT -5
Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunkJanuary 25th, 2006
As he often did, he crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
“Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”.
The mysterious Man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devasted, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”
“It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian
“Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you’re nutsting the bed”
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lol
Jan 26, 2006 11:33:33 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 26, 2006 11:33:33 GMT -5
Paddy the famous Irishman is driving home after downing a few at the local pub.January 25th, 2006
He turns a corner and much to his horror he sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.
Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop.
The officer approaches Paddy’s car and asks him what on earth he was doing.
Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says, “Fer crissakes, Paddy, that’s yer air freshener!”
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lol
Jan 26, 2006 11:36:47 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 26, 2006 11:36:47 GMT -5
A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."
The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that."
"Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"
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lol
Jan 29, 2006 0:59:30 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 29, 2006 0:59:30 GMT -5
One day a little boy went to his father and asked, "If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big trains have little trains?"
His father had no idea how to answer him, being as he was only 5 so he sent him to his mother.
The little boy went to her and asked, "If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big trains have little trains?"
His mother was also at a loss for words so she sent him to the nearest train engineer.
The little boy then told the engineer that his mom and dad couldn't answer his question. Curious the engineer asked what it was. The little boy asked, "If big cats have little cats, and big dogs have little dogs, why don't big trains have little trains?"
The engineer thought about it for a while and then told the little boy to go home and tell his mom and dad that the Santa Fe always pulls out in time!"
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lol
Jan 29, 2006 12:39:00 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 29, 2006 12:39:00 GMT -5
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her." The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks!! "Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound; it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!!!
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lol
Jan 30, 2006 12:53:14 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 30, 2006 12:53:14 GMT -5
Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.
Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.
Mrs. Jones is first.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.
Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."
"Okay, that shall be granted to you."
The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.
Then comes Mr. Jones himself.
"What do you wish for yourself?"
"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"
"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."
"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."
The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?"
"I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."
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lol
Jan 31, 2006 19:49:26 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jan 31, 2006 19:49:26 GMT -5
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
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lol
Feb 8, 2006 15:42:02 GMT -5
Post by coop on Feb 8, 2006 15:42:02 GMT -5
The Amish Carriage
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriageobviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
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lol
Feb 9, 2006 17:47:08 GMT -5
Post by coop on Feb 9, 2006 17:47:08 GMT -5
A woman driver bumped into a guy's car and did a fair amount of damage. The male driver asked why she did it, and she replied, "Because I wanted to. That's all the reason I need."
Then the driver said, "You ignorant bitch! Stand in this circle and don't move, then I will mess up your car to teach you a lesson!"
He started by hitting it with a bat, but the blonde started laughing, so the driver turned around, and she stopped laughing.
Then he started ripping up the seat, and again she started laughing, so he turned around, at which point the blonde stopped laughing again.
Then he started messing up the whole car then she started laughing again, so the driver finally asked her why she was laughing and she said, "Well every time you had your back turned I stepped ouy of the circle, so there!"
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lol
Feb 9, 2006 17:52:58 GMT -5
Post by coop on Feb 9, 2006 17:52:58 GMT -5
Hi-tech Redneck
Backup - What you do when you run across a varmint in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick to work.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Billy-Bob.
Chip - Cow pasture surprises that you try not to step in.
Terminal - When yer about to die.
Crash - When you go to Jethro's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on yer fingers.
Diskette - Female who dances the disco.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS and yer wife.
Hacker - Uncle Willie after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture used to help you select a tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria ladies put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to yer John Deere.
Mac - Big John's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 13 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets so high that it hides the pickup truck that you have on blocks in the front yard.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie call home.
Network - Scoopin' a big fish before it breaks yer line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes outta yer trailer.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with yer breakfast.
Superconductor - The guy who yells "All Aboard" the loudest at a train station.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your two-week-old underwear.
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