|
lol
Dec 7, 2005 14:34:54 GMT -5
Post by batman38 on Dec 7, 2005 14:34:54 GMT -5
Hypnotism A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This t ime, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!" His funeral services will be held on Monday.
|
|
|
lol
Dec 8, 2005 11:26:03 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 8, 2005 11:26:03 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. December 8th, 2005 He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: “Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted Handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.”
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised His wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint
A week passes and he received another parcel and note: “Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part”.
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
“Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden Leg up your @ss and go as a f@cking toffee apple” [/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 9, 2005 13:01:31 GMT -5
Post by batman38 on Dec 9, 2005 13:01:31 GMT -5
Life may not be the party that I had hoped for but as long as I am here might as well enjoy the music and dance!
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota, which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday........ "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
|
|
|
lol
Dec 9, 2005 20:10:07 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 9, 2005 20:10:07 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]No Pet's Allowed Two buddies were out one Saturday, walking their dogs. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"
The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer let him in.
His buddy with the Chihuahua put on his pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The man exclaimed, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!" [/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 11, 2005 20:39:23 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 11, 2005 20:39:23 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.
The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine.
As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"
"Head up," said the doctor.
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.
Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free.
Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.
"Head up or head down?"
"Head up."
"Blindfold or no blindfold?"
"No blindfold."
So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:
"WAIT! I see what the problem is!".[/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 14, 2005 17:00:29 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 14, 2005 17:00:29 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now it’s s a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?”
The man replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my wife.”
“What happened to her?” The man replied,
“My dog attacked and killed her.”
He enquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Join the queue.”[/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 14, 2005 17:04:13 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 14, 2005 17:04:13 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"
"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog track last week and that was the name of the dog I bet on."
Later that same day, Lisa walked up to her husband and smacked him hard on the forehead when he walked in the door from work.
"What the heck was that for?" he demanded.
"Your dog just called."[/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 14, 2005 17:06:50 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 14, 2005 17:06:50 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday? Tell them a joke on a Wednesday.
Hope this doesn't affend anyone but I told this to my brother (who btw is blonde) and he didn't get it until that following Saturday lol ;D Enjoy! [/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 15, 2005 15:55:52 GMT -5
Post by rookie20 on Dec 15, 2005 15:55:52 GMT -5
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece @ss that will bring a tear to your eye.
|
|
|
lol
Dec 15, 2005 15:57:28 GMT -5
Post by rookie20 on Dec 15, 2005 15:57:28 GMT -5
Why are divorces so d**n expensive? Cause thier worth it.
|
|
|
lol
Dec 15, 2005 16:01:16 GMT -5
Post by rookie20 on Dec 15, 2005 16:01:16 GMT -5
A guy walks out of a store carrying a grandfather clock and runs into a drunk and drops and breaks he says: to the drunk why dont you watch were your going drunk says: why dont you get a wrist watch like everybody else.
|
|
|
lol
Dec 15, 2005 16:02:43 GMT -5
Post by rallen35 on Dec 15, 2005 16:02:43 GMT -5
"What happens when u give a politian viagra? He gets taller." -Dukes of Hazzard sorry if my spellings wrong
|
|
|
lol
Dec 15, 2005 17:39:21 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 15, 2005 17:39:21 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]^^^No one cares about your spelling!^^^
Neways: The superhero is feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get laid is. Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great lay. Superman then tells him that he couldn’t do that to her because they have been friends for too long and he flies away. Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he’s swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up. Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks I’m faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she’ll never know what hit her. So, he flies down does his business and id 4 seconds he’s back in the air flying away. Wonder Woman looks up and says “What was that?” Invisible Man says: “I don’t know but I disagree hurts!” [/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 16, 2005 14:09:43 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 16, 2005 14:09:43 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.
"What are your plans?" he asked Joseph.
"I'm a scholar of the Torah," Joseph replied.
"Well, that's admirable," Leslie's father replied. "But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?"
"I will study, and God will surely provide for us," Joseph explained.
"And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?"
"I will study hard, and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, "Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I'm God."[/glow]
|
|
|
lol
Dec 18, 2005 17:07:43 GMT -5
Post by coop on Dec 18, 2005 17:07:43 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Walking home after a Halloween party, two young men decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery for a thrill. They both stopped abruptly when they heard a mysterious tap-tap-tapping noise in the shadows. Their eyes grew large until the mist cleared and they saw an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping at one of the headstones.
"Geez, mister!" one of them exclaimed. "You scared us half to death! We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
The old man replied angrily, "Those darn fools misspelled my name!"[/glow]
|
|