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jokes
Jul 20, 2005 0:01:20 GMT -5
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Jul 20, 2005 0:01:20 GMT -5
I just wanted to start a new post! The board has been boring lately! So everyone post a joke!!
[glow=red,2,300]A man had just finished reading the book Man of the House while commuting home from work. By the time he reached home, he stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said. "From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law! You are to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect you to present a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are to draw my bath so I can relax. And when I am finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" [/glow]
"The funeral Director would be my guess," She replied.
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Jul 20, 2005 0:34:32 GMT -5
Post by mrbillohnoo on Jul 20, 2005 0:34:32 GMT -5
Great Idea as long as we keep it reasonably clean!.......Carlin on Martha Stewart....."boy feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars....OJ Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walkin around, Osama Bin Laden too....They take the one woman willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and they haul her off to Jail......
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April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
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jokes
Jul 20, 2005 17:13:18 GMT -5
Post by April on Jul 20, 2005 17:13:18 GMT -5
Here in Oklahoma , you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge-- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops. "I think ya missed him, Paw," she says. "Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of Bubba!"
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Jul 20, 2005 17:54:27 GMT -5
Post by *Brandie*33* on Jul 20, 2005 17:54:27 GMT -5
--ITs kinda long but I think its funny!!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........ The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.
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April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
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jokes
Jul 21, 2005 22:41:30 GMT -5
Post by April on Jul 21, 2005 22:41:30 GMT -5
;D the swing was cute, so here is another 1 for ya!
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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Jul 21, 2005 22:58:13 GMT -5
Post by Fast Orange :-)) on Jul 21, 2005 22:58:13 GMT -5
;D ;D ;DWoman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the Bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts Her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?"! Boy: "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy: "$750" Man: "Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy , "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again, you're in my closet now."
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Jul 22, 2005 1:12:26 GMT -5
Post by *Brandie*33* on Jul 22, 2005 1:12:26 GMT -5
HAHA!! That one was WAY funny! LOL!! It was for sure a good one!! ;D
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April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
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jokes
Jul 25, 2005 21:36:30 GMT -5
Post by April on Jul 25, 2005 21:36:30 GMT -5
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...
"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
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Jul 27, 2005 0:33:34 GMT -5
Post by *Brandie*33* on Jul 27, 2005 0:33:34 GMT -5
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.
As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
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Jul 27, 2005 13:40:51 GMT -5
Post by coop on Jul 27, 2005 13:40:51 GMT -5
Man I liked that last one Brandie lol!!!
This man dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him that he has three different rooms he can choose from. The man says ok and they begin to look at the rooms.
The 1st room is has a blazing fire with people screaming from the pain they are having to endure. The man says that he doesn't want to spend eternity burning and wants to see the next room.
So the devil takes him to the 2cd room. This room has people strapped to a wall being whipped over and over. The man decides that this doesn't look very fun either and tells the devil he would like to see the last room.
The devil then takes him to the 3rd room. When they get in there, people are sitting around tables drinking coffee. They have crap up to about their knees. The man thinks about it and decides that he can live with the crap at his knees if all he has to do is sit around and drink coffee. So he tells the devil that he chooses room #3.
The devil agrees and leaves him there. The man thinks he has gotten a great deal. As soon as the door shuts him in the room though, a man suddenly yells, "Ok! Breaks over! Everyone back on their heads!"
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April
Pit Crew Member
Posts: 125
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jokes
Jul 30, 2005 7:25:00 GMT -5
Post by April on Jul 30, 2005 7:25:00 GMT -5
"Jesus and The Redneck"
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. .... He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He,too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more allowed as how it certainly was, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... ... I'm drawin' disability!"
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poncho
Grand Stand Fan
Posts: 1
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jokes
Aug 5, 2005 15:59:27 GMT -5
Post by poncho on Aug 5, 2005 15:59:27 GMT -5
Two men walk into abar the third one ducks
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Aug 5, 2005 20:14:32 GMT -5
Post by *Brandie*33* on Aug 5, 2005 20:14:32 GMT -5
WHEN I'M 100, IF I LEAN A LITTLE, LET ME!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...
"They won't let me fart."
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Aug 7, 2005 20:33:17 GMT -5
Post by mrbillohnoo on Aug 7, 2005 20:33:17 GMT -5
Kletus and JoJo walk into a resturaunt, Kletus says to JoJo...."It smells like updog in here". JoJo replies "What's updog?" Kletus says "Not much, and you?"
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Aug 10, 2005 10:46:47 GMT -5
Post by *Brandie*33* on Aug 10, 2005 10:46:47 GMT -5
Up at the head of the table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "Take only one. Remember, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven.
Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want. God's watching the apples."
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