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Post by coop on Oct 29, 2005 15:37:03 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]As the doors shut and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris face and said aloud, "I'm not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!"
Sadie and Morris didn't say a word as they made their way to the car park.
When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, "You know darling, I really didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said Sadie smiling, "I did."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 29, 2005 15:38:21 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane.
Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.
No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
Problem solved.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 30, 2005 11:44:34 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]One morning a mother was trying to wake up her son. "Wake up now! It's time to go to school."
"I don't want to go to school," the son replied.
His mother said, "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
"Okay. One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
"Not good enough," the mother replied.
"Fine," the son said. "Then you give me two good reasons why I SHOULD go to school."
"One, you're 50 years old. Two, you're the principal of the school."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 30, 2005 13:14:46 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 30, 2005 20:38:39 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole" [/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 31, 2005 21:09:14 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife told him “Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat”. The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Oct 31, 2005 21:11:58 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]How to stop people from buggin you about getting married! Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.[/glow]
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Post by racefan43 on Oct 31, 2005 21:44:21 GMT -5
ok and be nice to the ppl at the wedding and at the funerals amber
love misty
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:20:19 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is. I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only one finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson who was in the car with me what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks![/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:25:29 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, "Hallelujah!" The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, "Amen!"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah," he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going. "Oh, no... Bible!....Church!...Please Stop!!" shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. "Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
"HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:28:44 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:35:13 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, "comfortable?'"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it slow. - - - - ("com-for-da-bul" ) [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:46:20 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]There is an American, a German, and a Mexican. They are in all in a boat. The boat is about to sink. Each of them have to throw things out to make the boat lighter.
The German throws out 4 cases of beer and says, "We have a lot of bear in Germany so we don't need these!"
The Mexican throws out 5 cases of burritos and says, "We have a lot of burritos in Mexico so we don't need these!"
The American grabs the Mexican and throws him out.
The German asks why he threw the Mexican out.
And the American replies, "We have a lot of Mexicans in America so we don't need him!."[/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 1, 2005 13:50:45 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.
The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a 'pinata'?" [/glow]
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Post by coop on Nov 2, 2005 15:22:30 GMT -5
[glow=blue,2,300]A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again” she replied .
On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a Day!
He put her on every ride in the park:
* The Death Slide * The Wall of Fear * The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted . He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked “Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed . “I meant my dress size, you twit”.
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he’s still gonna get it wrong. [/glow]
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