yet another new one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[April]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[April]

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."

[April]

There was this couple, Mary and John, who believed they would return in another life.

They got married and, as part of their wedding vows, promised that if one died, the other would attend a seance exactly four weeks later and contact the other.

Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:

Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"

Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"

Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"

John: "Yes, it's me."

Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"

John: "Great, Mary. Everyday after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."

Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"

John: "I'm not in Heaven."

Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"

John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"

[April]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say:
"Red...............cherry,"
"Yellow............lemon,"
"Green.............lime,"
"Orange...........orange."

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may call your father at times."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're a**holes!"

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."[/glow]

[April]

Growing old...........
-I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doct
or's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising. I
decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated
, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got
my leotards on, the class was over.
.............................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs. I'm going out to hide some eggs