new jokes

[April]

;D> > BLONDE COOKBOOK
>
>
> MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I
> made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs
> separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan
> me some extra bowls.
>
> TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.
> The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't
> dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend
> home for supper.
>
> WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe
> said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It
> seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I
> can't say it improved the rice any.
>
> THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I
> tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay
> on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom
> asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
>
> FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies.
> It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
> There must have been something wrong with this
> recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as
> when I left.
>
> SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and
> brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for
> Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting
> to ten.
>
> SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted
> to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
> Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the
> hamburger in the oven and set the controls for
> roast. It still came out hamburger, much to
> my disappointment.
>
> GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very
> exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
> can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
> into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
> him with chocolate moose................
>
>

[April]

Job
> >> >
> >> > A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a
> > big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
> >> > The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
> >> > The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
> >> > Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start
> > tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first
day
> > on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked
up,
> > the boss came down.
> >> > "How many sales did you make today?"
> >> > The kid says, "One."
> >> > The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
> >> > day.
> > You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job!
How
> > much was the sale for?"
> >> > The kid says, "$112,237.64."
> >> > The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
> >> > Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium
> > fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new
> > fishing
> > rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the
> > lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the
boat
> > department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think
> > his
> > Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive
department
> > and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to
> > be
> > out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV
> > department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
> >> >
> >> > The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him
> >> > a
> > boat, a truck and a camper?"
> >> >
> >> > Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife
and
> > I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

[April]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure doesn't deserve it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, your son,

John


P.S. Dad, None of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home