Back to the Jokes!

[*Brandie*33*]

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.

"But you're naked!" exclaimed the mother-in-law.

"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy.

I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." said the daughter-in-law.

The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she replied.

"You should've ironed it!" said her husband.

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"

"It's in the judge's hand now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered his decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the court, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you sent them."

"But I did send them!"

"What? You did?," said the lawyer.

"Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card!"[/glow]

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling...

Dopey turns around, giving them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back "Your worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter!

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!?!"

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down there cheeks, as they cried...

"Dopey screwed a penguin!..Dopey screwed a penguin!!!!..Dopey screwed a penguin!!!!!!"....[/glow]

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300] A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the 2cd floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room.

As they walked through the 1st room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room to be a cream color."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but continued with he tour.

"In this room, I was thinking of an off blue."

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it to be painted in a light rose color.

And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street." [/glow]

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]A Father's Pride...

Four friends who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The 1st guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder-- and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The 2nd guy said "d**n, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The 3rd man said "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: a 30,000 square foot mansion.

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?

The 4th man replied "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper in a nightclub." The three friends said "What a shame....what a disappointment." The 4th man replied "No,! I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him, and he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.[/glow]

[Fast Orange :-))]

dear dad letter

A FATHER PASSING BY HIS SON'S BEDROOM WAS ASTONISHED TO SEE THE BED WAS NICELY MADE AND EVERYTHING WAS PICKED UP. THEN HE SAW AN ENVELOPE PROPPED UP PROMINENTLY ON THE CENTER OF THE BED. IT WAS ADDRESSED, "DAD" WITH THE WORST PREMONITION, HE OPENED THE ENVELOPE AND READ THE LETTER WITH TREMBLING HANDS:

DEAR DAD,
IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET AND SORROW THAT I'M WRITING THIS. I HAD TO ELOPE WITH MY NEW GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE I WANTED TO AVOID A SCENE WITH MOM AND YOU. I'VE BEEN FINDING REAL PASSION WITH BARBARA AND SHE IS SO NICE EVEN WITH ALL HER PIERCING, TATTOOS, AND HER TIGHT MOTORCYCLE CLOTHES. BUT IT'S NOT ONLY THE PASSION, DAD - SHE'S PREGNANT AND BARBARA ASSURES ME THAT WE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T CARE FOR HER SINCE SHE IS SO MUCH OLDER THAN I AM, SHE ALREADY OWNS A TRAILER IN THE WOODS AND HAS A STACK OF FIREWOOD ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE WINTER. SHE WANTS TO HAVE MANY MORE CHILDREN WITH ME AND THAT'S NOW ONE OF MY DREAMS TOO.

BARBARA TAUGHT ME THAT MARIJUANA DOESN'T REALLY HURT ANYONE AND WE'LL BE GROWING IT FOR OURSELVES AND TRADING IT WITH HER FRIENDS FOR ALL THE COCAINE AND ECSTASY WE NEED. IN THE MEANTIME, WE PRAY THAT SCIENCE WILL FIND A CURE FOR AIDS SO THAT BARBARA CAN GET BETTER; SHE SURE DESERVES IT!!

DON'T WORRY, DAD, I'M 15 YEARS OLD NOW AND I KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. SOMEDAY I'M SURE WE'LL BE BACK TO VISIT SO YOU CAN GET TO KNOW YOUR GRANDCHILDREN.

YOUR SON, JOHN

P.S. DAD, NONE OF THIS IS TRUE. I'M OVER AT BILLY'S HOUSE. I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS IN LIFE THAN MY REPORT CARD WHICH IS IN MY DESK CENTER DRAWER. I LOVE YOU!

PS: CALL WHEN IT'S SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME

[Fast Orange :-))]

A gas station in Tupelo Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with! a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged ---- my wife won twice last week."

[Fast Orange :-))]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Fast Orange :-))]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large
Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was
outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They
went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to
join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him
to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him and said,
"You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you
are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation
was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The
first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the
neighborhood was sitting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the
wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his
grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water
over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you
were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[Fast Orange :-))]

The Redneck Love Poem
>
> SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
> SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
> SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
> SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
>
> PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
> YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
> I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
> BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
> AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
> BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
> HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
>
> YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
> AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
> BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
> I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
>
> BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
> JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
> MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE.
> YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY

[Fast Orange :-))]

WIFE:
> What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Definitely not!
>
> WIFE:
> Why not - don't you like being married?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Of course I do.
>
> WIFE:
> Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Okay, I'd get married again.
>
> WIFE:
> You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).
>
> HUSBAND:
> makes audible groan).
>
> WIFE:
> Would you live in our house?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Sure, it's a great house.
>
> WIFE:
> Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Where else would we sleep?
>
> WIFE:
> Would you let her drive my car?
>
> HUSBAND:
> Probably, it is almost new.
>
> WIFE:
> Would you replace my pictures with hers?
>
> HUSBAND:
> That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>
> WIFE:
> Would she use my golf clubs?
>
> HUSBAND:
> No, she's left-handed.
>
> WIFE:
> - - silence - -
>
> HUSBAND:
> F***

[Fast Orange :-))]

i guess thats enough for the night!! Just a few laughs and oh yeah woo hoo I'm a pit side fan now! hehe 50 posts!

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The Doctor quickly responded, '$25,000 for a male brain, and $3,000 for a female brain.'[/glow]

[glow=blue,2,300]The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and said to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'[/glow]

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.[/glow]

[coop]

[glow=blue,2,300]It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"[/glow]